The Gift of Welcome
As she bundled three-year-old Amy into her snowsuit, a mother was compelled to hug her and
say "I just love you!"
"I know," answered Amy assuredly. "Everyone does!"
To be loved and to know it are the rights of every child. At three, children are still held securely
in the arms of their families. But as they grow older, their worlds begin to expand to the
neighborhood, to school, to sports groups and dance classes. Eventually they meet folks (usually
little ones) who don't love them so much.
It is hurtful to hear such messages as, "Go away! You can't play. I don't want to hold your
hand." These unwelcoming messages can lead a child to believe that his world is not so secure.
Everyone doesn't love him after all.
We adults have a double responsibility here. First, we need to help the child cope with the
rejection. We can encourage the child to be assertive by giving her effective words to use.......
"May I play? It's my turn. Let's share."
We can help the child find a new activity and new children who are more accepting. We can
assure the child that she is very special and that we will be there to help her out if she can't
convince her playmates to be kind.
Second, we need to teach our children that including other children in play, sharing toys, speaking
politely to one another is what's expected in our families and in our schools. We can set clear
boundaries to give the child a sense of security. "No one can play with your special teddy bear
and your blankie, but you can share your blocks and your train."
We can teach the child that inclusion is our way of life. Everyone who comes to the party can
play the games. Everyone in the class can have a turn with the globe. Everyone in the family
gets a chance to talk at dinner.
Vivien Paley, a kindergarten teacher at the University of Chicago Lab School had a rule, "You
can't say, ‘You can't play'." If a child asked to join a game, the other children were not allowed
to say, "You can't play." Children in her class were encouraged to find ways to include anyone
who wanted to play in their games. I was fascinated with the idea and wondered if it was realistic
to expect such generosity of spirit from such little people.
At the time I wasn't involved with preschoolers but I did work with middle school children at a
Peace Camp. We experimented by making "You can't say, You can't play" one of our three
rules. It was amazing to see how creatively the children embraced the rule. Games were actually
re-modeled to include more children or to include children who had lesser skills. Winning wasn't
the goal so much as letting everyone participate. While I don't believe this rule works for every
situation, I do think the children benefited greatly from the experiment in our little world of
Peace Camp.
My point is that I believe children want to be welcoming. Adults have to trust that inclination
and show them the way.
Please share your stories of children who have exhibited the gift of welcome in your family or
community. Send a note to me via your child's school bag.
Thanks,
Mrs. Fox
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